What Young Men Need.

Blog #17

This topic is heavy on my heart for several reasons. First, I’ve read and often contemplated the meme that asks; “What would you tell your 18 year old self if you could go back it time?”
Second, on occasion I’ve been somewhat critical of a couple of the young men who have come through our motorcycle ministry group, Full Armor.
Third, I was an idiot until sometime in my thirties (some might say I’m being overly generous to myself.) I think about the men who were a positive influence and those who would have been if I hadn’t avoided them.
Fourth, I’m starting this on Fathers Day.
I’ll add a fifth reason. I watch some good, Godly dads avoid conflict with their kids and grandkids when IMHO the dads and granddads should have their size 10 boot in the straying kids butt. Sure, the kid may flee that accountability, but they usually come back. If a young man’s dad or grandfather won’t put a boot in their bottom, who will?

“Proverbs 27:17 proclaims: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”. We all read this to mean good people fellowshipping with good people and growing stronger in faith together. But it also speaks to people being accountability friends with each other. It means older, experienced people holding young men to a higher standard. This includes having the tough conversations and speaking sternly when required. It sometimes means pushing people out of their comfort zone. It includes accountability.

We need young men to be strong, contributing members of our biker ministry. They are the next generation. But, we do not want to turn our biker ministry group into a “safe space” where regardless of your behavior, we will never allow your feelings to be hurt.

I think men in leadership or mentoring positions have a responsibility to go against the societal trend of mollycoddling and enabling and instead, call it like they see it. Sure, try to do it with compassion and love, but do it. Say the hard words. I know it’s a lot easier to just be everyone’s friend and mind your own business, but I think Christ calls us to higher responsibility. Part of the problem here is we live in a time where modern culture tells us not to ever offend anyone. Reality fact: Christianity unto itself offends a large part of the population.

Full disclosure; I’m unapologetically, in a non-nurturing phase of my life when it comes to the fall of many young men. Maybe it’s because I’ve done all the stupid, destructive, lying things many young men try to hide or justify. I’m old enough to admit my wasted years of idiocy.
Maybe it’s because, through my years of advocacy against relationship violence, I’ve seen the damage young men cause when they have a life without much accountability.
Maybe it’s because I spent 29 years in a career that often is expected to clean up the aftermath of young men who were enabled instead of held accountable.

Either way, I know this; The men I now respect the most from my wayward youth are not the men who pretended along with me that I was doing just fine and was justified in my behavior. The men I respect most are those who made sure I knew they didn’t agree with my irresponsibility and recklessness; the men who called me out when I ran off at the head about something I knew nothing about. They didn’t necessarily kick me to the curb or banish me from their presence, but they left little doubt about what they thought of my behavior. They also didn’t hesitate to call me out for my ignorance whenever I put it in their face. These men pushed me to my better behavior and my better self.

These are the destructive behaviors I find most common in today’s young men;

1. Drunkenness. But not just drunkenness. When one pretends that they drink heavily because it’s the adult thing to do. Every major social event has to include drunkenness because that’s the way adults are suppose to celebrate. Modern culture tells us that.
2. A lack of respect for their elders. When they live in the facade that we are equals in knowledge and experience. You can tell when you first meet a young man, shake his hand and look him in the eye whether or not he has any respect for his elders. If he smiles with an arrogant grin, that’s a bad indicator.
3. A lack of humility and self-awareness. These two go hand in hand. When a young man acts as though he is squared away, has it all under control and has arrived as a responsible adult; father, husband, provider, all around tough guy, but the truth is something all together different. I don’t know if this mask of bluster comes from a lack of confidence, detachment from reality, absence of humility or lack of self-awareness, but I have little tolerance for the facade. What I do know is that playing along is not what he needs from us.
4. Financial self destruction. Borrowing money and running up credit card debt like there is no tomorrow. This is especially bad when he has a family. Lenders will let us dig a hole we can never climb out of and many young men are busy digging deeper every day. They want the vehicles and toys adult men have who have been working hard, raising families and paying bills for 40+ years. I know young men with nicer cars, trucks, and toys than I will ever want and I have worked full time since I was 14 pumping gas and cleaning windshields at that Sohio station. The difference is the young men buy it all on credit and accumulate massive interest debt. Just because our federal government is in the financial self destruct mode doesn’t mean we should be.
5. Employment self destruction. I’ve watched many young men get a decent job (usually because some elder pulled strings for them), only to become known as a bad employee because they can’t come to work or when they do come to work, they do a poor job. You know the guy who has worked there for years, but never has any sick leave or vacation time on the books because he wastes it one day at a time laying home on the couch. I knew police officers who did this. They become that guy the boss wishes he could get rid of. And, when the young man does get fired he simply can’t believe it. Zero self awareness plus a large dose of entitlement equals self destruction and they often drag a young family with them.

Woe be it to the young lady who thinks she’s in love with this guy and has his child. The road will be rough and the stress on the marriage will be unbearable. Be prepared to live in moms basement or a trailer down by the river. Also, I would tell her to be prepared to be the primary breadwinner. She is usually the first to recognize the facade and bluster, but by then it’s too late. They’re hitched and have a kid or two. She’s trapped with a poser. It often gets worse from there.

When I see a young man taking his family down this path, I’m simply too old to play along with him, treat him as an equal in experience and knowledge and buy into the facade that he’s a made man. The older I get, the worse an enabler I make.

So, what would I say to an 18 year old me? It would go something like this; “You don’t know me, but I know you all too well and I know what the future holds. You’re wasting valuable time and it will haunt you later. Yes, there is a later. You’ll live longer than you think. You need to cut back on the drinking and get serious about working, earning money and amassing knowledge and experience. You need to get organized in your pursuit of God. Pray more, get to church on Sunday, try to pretend you’re a responsible adult. If you’ll just do that a lot will fall into place. Things will get better.
If you can’t get a good job, join the Army, not the a National Guard, the Active Army. If you join the NG you’ll spend the first two years trying to be a full time soldier. Avoid that by going active up front and working as hard as you can.
Stop doing things that disappoint your mother and grandmother. Keep that standard in mind.
Ditch the booze and pursue Jesus. Save money, don’t use credit cards or take out loans. Be a frugal minimalist. Hang out with people who don’t drink, who have good employment, and are creating a future for themselves. And get your hair cut. That’s the foundation to a great future.”

The one thing I wouldn’t do is play along with the facade that the 18 year old me had it all together and was on a good path. The 18 year old me would be more comfortable with the play along and very uncomfortable with the advice from 63 year old me, but I don’t care. It needed to be said.

We adults have an obligation to the young men that God puts in our path and it’s not always to make them comfortable. Yeah, that’s the easy path and it makes friends, but it does not serve God or the young man. Straight, honest talk serves God. And when our sons do things that disappoint their mothers and grandmothers we need to call them out for it. We should not give them a pass so they will be our friend. We’re not high school buddies. I don’t care how old the son or grandson is. We have an obligation.

The young men we come across are surrounded by the temptations of this world; Easily borrowed money, financial recklessness, sexual immorality, substance abuse, a victim mentality, etc. If we can’t point out their folly, who will. Society tells us to let it go. No big deal. Live and let live. Do what feels good. Play along.

The older I get and as our society falls deeper and deeper into Satan’s grasp, I find it hard to not be honest with the young men I come to know. I think God expects us to speak our heart, yes. . . probably with more love and compassion than I always muster, but to speak. Wouldn’t you rather be remembered as that old guy who spoke the truth no matter how uncomfortable? Wouldn’t you like to be the dad whose kid walks the straight and narrow because he knows if he doesn’t, his dad will not only be disappointed, but will call him on the indiscretion?
And oh yeah, what do young men need? First and foremost they need Jesus. A close second, they desperately need to be held accountable. I’ll work on the loving and compassionate delivery. Thanks.

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